One of the steps on the Eightfold Path (the Fourth of the Four Noble Truths), is Wise Speech. Wise speech means, first of all, speaking truthfully. It requires that the our words never be unkind or injurious to others, and that the words we choose not create hate, discord, or suffering. Wise Speech also implies that we should not slander individuals or groups, and to abstain from idle, useless, and imprudent speech, including gossip. One useful guideline in the exercise of Right Speech is that we should never talk about another person unless they are present.
Good luck on that one. Gossip and dishing the dirt about others is a very popular pastime. In some circles, it is considered the coin of the realm. Alice Roosevelt Longworth, President Theodore Roosevelt's daughter, was apparently one person for whom gossip was an important component of life. It is said that she had a throw-pillow on her sofa that was embroidered, "If you can't say something nice about somebody, sit next to me!"
We feel powerful when we are running down other people. I believe that some of this feeling of power is the phenomenon called "triangulation." A two-person relationship, or dyad, is essentially unstable. When we draw a third party into the mix, that new person becomes the apex of a triangular relationship, with the original dyad forming the base. Basically, it's two against one.
There is also an element of "schadenfreude" that is often present when we talk about other people. Basically, this means that we take delight in the misfortune of others, especially when we feel that their misfortune is deserved (see my blog on 3/13/10). In both cases, we have an opportunity to feel important, intelligent, wise, and, above all, right. It may do us some good to reflect upon why these feelings need to be validated through unwise speech. Could it be that we lack these kinds of feelings about ourselves?
However you look at it, unwise speech can cause harm, although most of it is unintended. I have had the experience of being told negative things about someone I had not met. Later, when I did meet this person, my opinion of them was colored by the gossip I had been told. In my work as a therapist, I have seen how hurtful unwise speech can be with divorcing couples and children. A parent may speak unwisely about their spouse in the presence of a child, and this can have the effect of turning the child against one or the other of the parents. It should come as no surprise when the one against whom the backlash usually occurs is the parent who engaged in the unwise speech.
Blessings,
Roger
Good luck on that one. Gossip and dishing the dirt about others is a very popular pastime. In some circles, it is considered the coin of the realm. Alice Roosevelt Longworth, President Theodore Roosevelt's daughter, was apparently one person for whom gossip was an important component of life. It is said that she had a throw-pillow on her sofa that was embroidered, "If you can't say something nice about somebody, sit next to me!"
We feel powerful when we are running down other people. I believe that some of this feeling of power is the phenomenon called "triangulation." A two-person relationship, or dyad, is essentially unstable. When we draw a third party into the mix, that new person becomes the apex of a triangular relationship, with the original dyad forming the base. Basically, it's two against one.
There is also an element of "schadenfreude" that is often present when we talk about other people. Basically, this means that we take delight in the misfortune of others, especially when we feel that their misfortune is deserved (see my blog on 3/13/10). In both cases, we have an opportunity to feel important, intelligent, wise, and, above all, right. It may do us some good to reflect upon why these feelings need to be validated through unwise speech. Could it be that we lack these kinds of feelings about ourselves?
However you look at it, unwise speech can cause harm, although most of it is unintended. I have had the experience of being told negative things about someone I had not met. Later, when I did meet this person, my opinion of them was colored by the gossip I had been told. In my work as a therapist, I have seen how hurtful unwise speech can be with divorcing couples and children. A parent may speak unwisely about their spouse in the presence of a child, and this can have the effect of turning the child against one or the other of the parents. It should come as no surprise when the one against whom the backlash usually occurs is the parent who engaged in the unwise speech.
Blessings,
Roger
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